There’s a picture I keep on my desk at work. It’s a lake, covered in mist, surrounded by trees, and the point of view is from the shore which is green and lush with a pier jutting out into the water with an Adirondack chair at the end and a bench off to the side. It’s so serene and inviting. But I never end up going there. I never take time to find this lake… or one like it, even though I wish I could go there.
Do I really want to go there? You would think that if I did, I would find it and book a visit… but I don’t. Why? I wish I knew. Maybe if I did go, I wouldn’t come back. Maybe I would move there because I loved it so much. Maybe I’m afraid of loving something too much, because if I lose it, it’s hurts that much more… but what if I stop loving it. Maybe I don’t go because I’m afraid I won’t love it anymore… maybe I’m afraid something will happen to make me hate it.
That’s happened to actors or musicians I love. They do something mean and ruin it all. By mean, I’m talking about those people who are rude and just mean to their fans. I’m not sure I really like meeting people I admire, because really, I don’t know them. I admire them for their work, not who they are as people, because I know nothing about who they really are and for that matter, how they are. In my mind, they’re cool, but it’s an illusion, I know that. It’s disappointing when someone who you like turns out to be a jackass, but it’s devastating when you really love what they do. For me, it ends. Everything I loved is over, because it’s hard for me to separate how they treated someone (or me) and their craft.
Oops, that was kind of off the mark so getting back on track… maybe it’s just not what you expected. Maybe you feel the love that you used to have, but it’s changed. It’s not the place that it once was and now you wonder, “Where can I go if not that lake?” I guess I know the answer… when I’m ready, I’ll find a new place to go… maybe I’ll love it and maybe I’ll hate it, but either way, it’s a new experience. Letting go of the past and moving into the future is always such a sad and scary thought… here I am standing on the edge of the cliff again. Maybe there’s a lake at the bottom.