I was reading another blog a little while ago and the author was talking about the little talked about reasons why men cheat. At the end, everyone had something to comment about. The agreeing with the author, the chastising, the offering of other reasons… and yet none of them seemed to (1) mention that just as many women cheat and (2) why people are so devastated by cheating.
1. Yes… women cheat. I’ve had women friends who cheated on their boyfriends and husbands, and girlfriends and wives. There are always different reasons. They felt neglected because he/she was never home or never listened, they weren’t in love with their partners anymore, there was no passion, he/ she was cheating on her… the list goes on forever and there is always an excuse. One commentator on the other blog got it right in one respect, they do it because they can. Yes, there are repercussions and consequences, but in many cases, most people want to get caught. Yep, you heard me, they want to get caught. Why? Because there are problems in the relationship and the cheating is a symptom. Getting caught brings it to the surface. Now of course this isn’t true in all cases… sometimes sex is an outlet and nothing more… sometimes they just want to cheat, male or female, they want to step out… thus bringing us to…
2. The real reason that cheating is so devastating to the non-cheater. It’s simple really… it’s the lying. Lies. The whole act of cheating is a calculated, self-indulgent lie. A one night stand is bad enough. The cheater has to cover his or her whereabouts for an evening, working late, car accident, friend needed me… and the trusting partner believes. There it is… the trusting partner. It’s bad enough when you cheat once, but then there is the affair. Yeah, the affair is worse. Why? Because now, it’s time and money and emotion. The onc time lie has become symptomatic and huge and continuous.
Lots of people say it’s the sex. I don’t think it is… sure, you’re concerned because maybe they weren’t safe. That’ s possible, but look deeper and I bet you see where the pain really is… it’s in the lie. This person who is supposed to always be truthful with you has been systematically lying, for whatever reason. That’s why it’s so hard to get trust back… because of the lies. Right after the lies, it’s the rejection. Why wasn’t I enough? Why didn’t you love me like that?
There is no magic fix to this because some people will always cheat… but maybe we can try to look at it for what it could be… the symptom to a greater problem. Take a look and see what it might be… maybe you can fix it, maybe you can’t.
Have I been cheated on? Not that I know of, I don’t believe so, but you never know for sure. But I do know that if I was ever cheated on and learned about it, it would be the lie that hurt the most.